Mixed Emotions...

So today is my last day at home as a stay at home mommy.

I am so torn as to how to feel about that.

I think someone forgot to tell me that when I decided to go back to school to become a nurse practitioner, that I would actually have to go to work full-time at some point and pay off these student loans.

Funny how that works

I have been a bundle of emotions these last few days. Crying sometimes because I just don't want to put my little boy in daycare. Crying because I don't want to rely on other people to take my little girl to school and pick her up. Excited to start a new job and meet new people. Excited to have adult conversation back in my life. Nervous about actually having to "fix" people's medical problems. Nervous about looking like an idiot in front of people who believed in me enough to give me a job. Crying because I know that after I have this precious little baby I will have to put it in daycare and go back to work when it is still an infant.

Lots and lots of crying over the last few days. I am going to blame it on the hormones.

I know that starting this new job is what is best for me and my family. My head tells me this. It will benefit us financially. It will be good for Liam to have some socialization with kids during the day and to get to play games and do crafts and have fun instead of being with his boring old mommy all day. It will be good for me to actually use my degree that I worked so hard for. It will be satisfying for me to help other people feel better.

But my heart tells me that I should be at home with my babies. But I believe I have been told before that I shouldn't follow my heart. Following your heart will get you into trouble sometimes.

I am struggling with how our schedule is going to work out after I start work. I am wondering when the clothes are going to get washed and when the dishes are going to get done? When is anyone going to vacuum and when are the kids going to clean up their rooms? When am I going to go to the grocery store and when is sleep supposed to fit into this schedule?

I am sure it is all going to work out. And I can hear my mother now telling me that she worked full time for years and raised 3 kids and she would tell me that her schedule is PERFECT and that I should wash clothes on Sunday and Wednesday night and that I will find time to clean and go to the store. Love you Nonnie, but I would go crazy if I washed clothes twice a week!

Anyways...all that to say that I am an emotional mess and I am nervous and excited and scared and dreading starting work all at the same time.

I have enjoyed being home with my babies and I will never get that time back. They will never be this little again and I have loved getting to be with them full-time. I do not regret one second of being at home with them. There were times when they were overwhelming and whiney and all I wanted to do was get out of the house. But those times were few and far between compared to the sweet cuddles and hugs and kisses and playing with dolls and cars and working puzzles and coloring. 

Life is about to get hectic and I am not looking forward to it. Not one bit. But I know this is what I am supposed to do. I have been praying this week asking God to give me comfort during my emotional times and to give me strength to say good bye to this chapter in my life. I can feel Him near me and know that He loves me. I know that it is all going to work out.

"If you do the things you need to do when you need to do them, then someday you can do the things you want to do when you want to do them."

Zig Ziglar